We are all on a sexual journey of self-discovery, expansion and growth.

From our first felt rush of turn-on and curiosity at a young age to exploring our sexual identity and preferences, we discover what stimulates us, and adversely, what brings us shame--including comprehension and healing of sexual trauma. We are initiated into a journey of seeking our desires, chasing fantasies and understanding our bodies.

Within relationships, sometimes we forget that we are still on a sexual journey.

We have a cultural conditioning that suggests that the voyage is over when we commit to another person, that the passion will decrease, the overall excitement plateaus and the desire will die. Maybe you are experiencing this right now or fear this happening--so you avoid commitment.

It does not have to end when a committed relationship begins. In fact, the sex can continue to get even hotter since we have a partner on this journey with us. Any romantic relationship is really a container for this adventure. By container I mean that the relationship is “contained” in a set of agreements that holds the connection between partners. For fun, I like to visualize wrapping the relationship in a sort of mystical saran wrap and setting the intention for why we are together and what we want to explore together. My boyfriend and I agreed that our intention for being with each other is to support each other in becoming more alive. Any relationship has the freedom to design the container by what feels best.

So the question becomes: What can we explore within ourselves and within each other? Curiosity and play are key factors.

The best way to keep the passion alive, deepen intimacy and feel more connected on this sexual journey is to communicate more about sex–-especially after sex. The post-sex open dialogue reveals a lot about what is happening both within and between each other. I tell my clients that our sex life is a magnifying glass revealing the truths of our internal world.

Talking about sex can be surprisingly difficult. That is because we are not used to having such high sensational conversations. However, these conversations are both vital and pleasurable. Remembering to remain open, any judgments or assumptions on how the sex should look or feel might just miss what is actually happening.

Here are 3 types of communication examples to use after sex:

1. Something we withheld…

This is when you admit something that you thought {but did not say} before or during sex. After sex it can be helpful to be open and honest about the things that might have been more difficult in the moment. 

An example would be: "I really enjoy when you __________ (be specific)." We withhold the positive sometimes even more so than we do negative. We forget that our partners want to please us, and it is really helpful when we tell them what we like and how we like it!

Another example could be something you desired but withheld, for example: "I wanted more foreplay before fucking." Or,"I wanted __________ (be specific) that I did not voice."

2. Something we felt…

This is when you share a moment in time where you felt sensation. This helps to both digest the experience as well as give your partner a sneak peak into your internal world. It can be hard to articulate raw sensation; so don’t worry if you it doesn’t come easily. Go ahead and practice fumbling your words as you attempt to poetically describe your sexual experience. Notice how describing what you felt can allow you and your partner to feel more deeply connect.

For example: “There was a moment when it felt like we were flying, and I lost all sense of self-consciousness,” or “When I went into climax, I felt my toes curl as they rushed with heat” or even “there was a metallic liquid taste in my mouth.”

Don’t worry about it being very complex, start with basic sensations, for example, “ My face felt warm, or my chest felt tight.”

3. Something we noticed about each other…

This is when you notice something about your partner that has them feel seen. We often underestimate the power of attention on another and the liberation of being noticed. So often we hold a deep sadness of not being known. Noticing your partner is one way of saying, “I see you at your vulnerable, often hidden, places.” The noticing can be physical, emotional, or mental.

For example: 

{physical} “I notice that your pussy become engorged as I started breathing at a rhythmic pace,”

{mental} “I noticed that your attention was not as present towards the end of our make-out.”

{emotional} “ I noticed when I was kissing you, I felt a deep sadness within you.”

Remember, there is no correct formula for how to communicate. These are just examples of ways to begin dialogue around more sensitive and sensational areas. Areas that are hard to put language to, but with practice, can increase intimacy and get the connection you might crave within a relationship. Oh, and have fun!

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