A badass relationship is one where we are not threatened by our partner’s power, talent, skills, intellect, or success. We want our partners to grow, flourish, and just generally kick ass in this lifetime. We see the potential in our partner and we fan the flames to have them burn bright and be fully empowered in whom they are.
We have two choices when in a relationship: we can use the energy and power that is cultivated between us to drag each other down, or we can build each other up. If we drag each other down, it's because we are letting fear and insecurities win. They are steering the direction for where the relationship is heading, which is usually hell. When we build each other up, we're confident and whole enough to utilize the relationship towards each other’s freedom. Below are five tips to have a badass relationship:
1. Be on a Mission Together
Most relationships play roles that were modeled for them by their parents, culture, media, and society. The most common is called the “Anima & Animus Duo” role. This is when one person is striving to pursue higher goals, while the other's main role is to support the other. This is the underlying principle behind the man who goes to work and the woman who takes care of more domestic matters.
There is nothing wrong with this, even when the roles are flipped. However, there can be a cosmic release of empowerment when both are chasing dreams and supporting each other. That is a badass relationship. Neither is forced to sacrifice their dreams for the other, and both partners feel mutually supported by the other.
Together, the relationship is focused on creating, building, and growing. Sometimes we can hide from our own desires and dreams behind our partners, or fall into roles that keep us stagnated in growth because we are living out conditioned and unconscious behaviors. It is true that we are attracted to partners that complement us. For example, their strengths are our weaknesses, and vice versa. However, badass relationships don’t just settle for the other half fulfilling the roles where the other struggles more. Instead, they help and teach each other to grow so they can become more whole. Badass relationships want the other partner to be more self-sufficient and strong. They are not threatened by each other’s independence.
Badass relationships are on a mission headed towards greatness.
2. Talk about Sex
It's devastating how normal it has become in relationships to hide our sexuality from our partners. Swirling pools of taboo, shadow, and mysterious sexual realms exist in our partners. However, most would rather protect the other from the truth than embark on a sexual journey with one another. It's time we throw out the old script of how relationships “should” be and start being fucking honest and real with each other. It's time to start talking about sex, a whole shit-ton more. This includes talking about secret desires including queer fantasies, role-play, BDSM, tantric sex, and orgies. Don’t let any area be too taboo and dark to communicate about.
Talk about monogamy, polyamory, affairs, cheating, and what commitment means for you. Talk about your unique sexual history, shame, and any trauma you might have. Talk in detail about what you like and don’t like in bed. Talk about porn and masturbation. Tell your partner exactly how you like it, and then talk fucking dirty.
Just fucking talk!
All the while, beam outward rays of love and approval towards your partner. Honor their sexual being and their soul's sexual journey. Badass relationships are not threatened by each other’s sexuality and desires. They understand communication is key in maintaining deep and lasting intimacy. They know speaking the truth is worth the alternative: a dead, lifeless shell of a relationship.
3. Stop the Games & Be Vulnerable
Badass relationships have far too much attention and care put towards building something great in the world to waste energy on drama. They don’t play games with each other out of insecurity. These games are actually power plays to have someone feel in-control and safe, when the controlling partner is actually powerless and scared. Badass relationships do just the opposite; they are so confident in who they are that they want to see the other partner have MORE power.
Games are just manipulative defense mechanisms to protect your heart. It takes courage and strength to be vulnerable in a relationship, to let go of the power games and show when you are hurting, scared, and need help. Be brave enough to show you are scared. Be confident enough to reveal when you insecure. Be independent enough to show you need help. These are true signs of being badass.
Vulnerability is the soft and tender gateway towards the connection we crave in relationships. When you're feeling disconnected, a courageous act of saying something vulnerable will break the icy wall and bring each other back together again. Badass relationships know when to slow down and be gentle with each other.
4. Your Partner is Not Your Therapist
Yes, we want a partner that will support and love us in the messiest and most painful of moments. Of course, it is impossible to not step into a relationship with past wounds and emotional baggage. However, it is not our partner's job to heal us.
They can support us as we seek healing for ourselves, but we are draining the life out of any relationship if we cling to our partner to be the one to save us. The best tip I can give here is do your own personal work and practices to take the weight of responsibility off of our partner. That job is too exhausting for any human being.
No matter how much they love us, we can unwittingly set them up for failure, which isn't fair for any lover. Hire a therapist, get a coach, and seek out healing modalities that work for you. Engage in daily practices of yoga, meditation, mindfulness exercises, etc. Read books and make a journal. It is your work in this lifetime to heal your hurting soul. Not your partner's. Have a team of friends that support you.
Then, at the end of day, it's OK to lay in your partner’s arms, snot dripping and eyes swollen with alligator tears, as they whisper, “Good job today. I believe in you.”
5. Stop Taking Things So Seriously
This is when we cue the dramatic lighting for the famous scene of Romeo & Juliet, where lovers die in each other’s arms in a final act of true love's suicide.
Yes, love is painful and we risk having our hearts broken and shattered into razor-edge pieces on the ground. Yes, we will all die one day and our lovers can breathe meaning, life, and poetry into our eternal souls within our short human existence.
However, it would probably do us all good if we took a deep breath, let some shit go, and started having a little bit more fun. The saga of our lives and relationships can be exhausting. Play is the anecdote to rejuvenating life, youthfulness, and passion into any relationship.
Be silly! Tell dumb jokes, share your most embarrassing stories, and go on crazy adventures. Dance, laugh, tease, and laugh some more. Allow more room for magic, mischief, and risk taking.
Allow your inner child to come out and play with your partner’s inner child. Tell your partner what your inner child likes. My boyfriend knows my inner little girl loves gummy worms. So, when I am feeling down, he will surprise me with a bag of gummy worms.
Badass relationships know how to work hard, play hard… er… actually, play soft, weird, and slightly bizarre. That's because if you are in a badass relationship, you are not afraid to be yourself! The masks melt off as you reveal your imperfections, quirks, and raw humanness to another person. Play is freedom