What if we all could admit we wanted deeper intimacy instead of holding onto the envious fixation that someone is better than us?

That envy is creating from a feeling of not belonging and not being enough in a rat-race world to the top. To compensate we compare and contrast all our glitz, glam, and beauty.  This being not just for status, but so we can fit in and not feel alienated from our own culture. 

The truth is, we play the materialistic competition game of appearance, success, and money, because we don’t know there is a different game available.

As a coach I guide my clients to look at these parts we deny and acknowledge them. I help them to play a more gratifying game of connection with others than feeling powerless with envy.

I discovered when I fixated on being envious towards a specific person; it pointed me towards something deeper that I wanted in my life and in my sex. 


I was walking down the streets of New York City with my boyfriend. I instantly saw her half a block down with her bouncy boobs, short skirt, big hair, and red lips. More so, I could feel her owning her sensuality and flaunting her sex. I could already feel the envy as I compared myself to her knowing my boyfriend would be attracted.

To no surprise, he not only looked her up and down, but he shamelessly did a double take and looked back at her ass. He then looked back at me and said, “Wow, she was hot.”

My body tightened with aggression as I held back wanting to lash out.

“Don’t you think she was hot? I know your type,” he chuckled.

At that moment I had a choice. I could hold onto my anger with self-righteousness, or I could admit the truth. I thought about it and the fantasy of kissing her had my body feel warm, tingly, and relaxed. I decided to let it go and be honest.

“Yah, I would want to make out with her,” I laughed. We kissed, and continued walking.

I felt in that moment I had discovered the secret key to unlocking the bratty cattiness of competition towards other women for men’s attention. Not blocking the real desire with the woman.

Although I had no real intimacy with this girl, I was choosing to be in approval of her sensuality by what she provoked within me. I was surprised to find how quickly the entire game of competition ended when I just felt into my own sexuality and desire.

The bonobo monkeys are a fine example of this. Scientists have observed that bonobo monkeys rub each other’s genitals on one other to ease tension and competition; they make love not war.

Although this experience involves sexual attraction, I believe this is where we begin to change the envy game amongst women. Even if you are not attracted towards women sexually, just feel your desire for whatever intimacy and sense of belonging you want to have with a women or a group of women. Desire for something more intimate isn’t only sexual, but it utilizes erotic energy.

For me, I find when I am in approval of my desire towards women I am really wanting more quality time, support, and friendship.

The only way we can know is to be honest with ourselves. Often my clients initially feel fear in acknowledging their desire because it feels so unknown. True desire can expose some sexual taboos that break our own rules and understanding of ourselves. This understanding might just be that we are independent and satisfied, when we are not. Instead, we are hungry for friendship and deeper connection.


We start by feeling and identifying the envy within us. We bring our attention to our body. Don’t try to hide it or manage it, just feel. We think of someone we admire and deem higher in our inner hierarchy of social order. For me it feels like green poison in my veins, spreading and choking life out of me. I instantly feel not good enough. We slowly allow the warm heat of our body and desire to be the chamber that burns the envy and transforms it into more fuel for deeper intimacy and connection. We ask ourselves, “What do I really want?”

Is it friendship, support, love, care, attention, sex, or a sense of belonging?

What once brought disconnection is now used for connection. We use it to go deeper in our friendships and relationship instead of farther apart.


We can get competitive with our partners. If conscious we can use this competition for play and passion. If unconscious we can unknowingly want to sabotage our partners success out of fear of them being “bigger” or more successful than us.

Sometimes I get envious of my partner. Often we find partners that are opposite of us in strength and talents. Like that old saying “opposites attract" we get drawn towards people because they have something that we want for ourselves.

When my boyfriend began helping me create my website for my coaching business I hadn’t even noticed when the envy slipped in. I was annoyed at needing his help. In fact, I was annoyed at all his strengths that were stronger than mine.

Truth is sexy. I opened up and told him how I had been feeling envious towards him. To no surprise, he opened up about his withheld envy towards me. We concluded feeling closer, more passionate and playful. When I withhold truth from my boyfriend it breaks intimacy.

We can feel envious of our partner’s talents, their connection with other people, their strengths and skills, and tell them. In fact, we can consciously play with them there.  

After telling the truth follow with a nice slow make out with all the new connection that has been opened up. Nothing causes more heightened sensation in the body than the truth. Even if the envy is around our partner’s attraction and connection towards other women. That is why it is so hard to be honest. Learn to use the sensation of envy and bring it into the bedroom. It is using envy as erotic fuel.